


I Can't Get Used To It.

by Prince_Jonah



Series: Could I have Saved you? [2]
Category: Big Hero 6 (2014)
Genre: Depression, Loss, Other, Pills, Self-Hatred, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-21
Updated: 2015-04-21
Packaged: 2018-03-25 00:20:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,728
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3789634
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Prince_Jonah/pseuds/Prince_Jonah
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Tadashi supposedly dies in the fire at SFIT, Hiro becomes extremely depressed. Angry at himself and others he decides the best course of action is to keep himself away from everyone and eventually commits suicide after he finds out who started the fire.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Can't Get Used To It.

 

 

Letting go of my brother’s arm was the hardest and stupidest decision I had ever made in my entire life. I remember how it happened painfully clear. The way he took two steps at a time, the way his favorite baseball cap fell from his head and landed at my feet. The way the explosion blew out the windows, glass flying everywhere, and it forcing me backwards onto the ground. I called his name repeatedly, hoping that he would somehow respond to me even though it was pointless. He was gone.

I was forcibly taken away from the scene by a police officer who gently sat me down on the end of an ambulance so I could be checked by a paramedic. I really wasn’t aware of what was happening. Everything just kind of moved around me like it wasn’t real; this isn’t real, right? I’m going to go home and he’s going to be laying on his bed reading one of his books about robotics, right?

“Hiro! Oh thank God you’re okay!” My Aunt’s arms pulled me into a tight hug. Where did she come from? How long did it take her to get here? Her voice took me out of my daze and I looked passed her at the burning building that the firefighters were finally starting to get control of.

“Where’s Tadashi?” I asked while I looked around us. Aunt Cass looked to the firefighter that had just walked up to us and was now standing next to her. He gave her a grim looked and shook his head.

“We haven’t found anyone yet. It’s still way too dangerous to go inside,” He informed. “If anyone is still in there it’s impossible for them to have survived.” The news hit her hard. Her eyes swelled with tears as she sat down next to me, pulling me into a tight hug. It took longer for the information to filter though my ears.

“You need to get him out of there.” Panic started to creep into my chest.

“Hiro.” Her voice was quiet.

“No, no he’s still in there! We have to save him,” I screamed frantically. “He’s burning alive in there we need to get him out-! Cass let me go!” I tried to pry myself out of her arms.

“Hiro, stop,” Her voice was even quieter through her crying. I looked away from her and back to the flames that were dying down at last. No… No, this can’t be. Not Tadashi, not my big brother. Not my big brother who was going to help so many people with his inventions.

I let her pull me back into her tight embrace and started sobbing.

When we arrived home around four A.M Aunt Cass offered if I wanted to sleep with her that night, but I turned her down and told her that I wanted to be alone for a while.

And that’s just what I did.

I hardly left my bed for a week, just constantly sleeping, trying to block out anything and everything that reminded me of him. It didn’t help that his room was right next to mine and I had to look at it every time I got out of the sea of blankets. I often found myself crying myself to sleep, wishing I wouldn’t have let him go.

How could I have been so stupid? If I had just held onto him for another twenty seconds this wouldn’t be happening. He would be sitting here next to me, calling me a knucklehead for lying in bed and doing nothing productive with my time.

“Hiro, It’s time to get up.” I jumped when I heard Aunt Cass’s voice near me. I curled into myself more, tightening the blanket around my body more when she sat down next to me on my bed. “Hiro, sweetie, I know you don’t want to get out of bed,” She said softly, while rubbing my back. “The funeral is today, and I think it would mean a lot to your brother if you got out of bed and went to it.” Yes it would mean a lot to him if I went to it, but what if he wasn’t dead? What if he was just sitting in a hospital somewhere waiting to be found?

“What if he’s not dead…? I asked through the blankets. She stopped rubbing my back and I could hear her clear her throat as she got up from my bed with a creak.

“Take a shower and make yourself presentable. I’ll get your clothes together.” She left the room after that. Did I upset her with that I said he could still be alive…? Why am I not allowed to hope that he’ll come back to us?

I slowly peeled the blankets off of my body and walked quietly into are shared- my bathroom. My heart sank when I mentally corrected myself. I stripped myself of my sweat stained dirty clothes and threw them into the laundry bin. Some of his clothes were at the bottom of it and I could feel myself wanting to cry again. I closed it and turned to the sink, his hairbrush and hair jell was there too. He was everywhere and I couldn’t escape this suffocating feeling. I felt like a crippled animal that had fallen into a raging river and was slowly drowning.

After my shower I walked out into my side of the room with a large towel wrapped around my body. Tadashi would always make fun of me for having it draped over my shoulders; he said it made me look like an old man… I let the towel drop to the floor and started to get dressed in the clothes that Cass had put out for me while I was in the shower. First boxers, dress pants, button up shirt, then tie- I didn’t have a tie? Did she go out and buy me one? I took it off the bed and rubbed the fabric between my fingers. I’ve defiantly felt this before.

I brought the tie up to my nose and inhaled, Tadashi’s familiar scent filled my senses. My breath hitched and I was overwhelmed with my emotions all at once. I sat down onto my bed, clutching the item in my hands with my head hung between my knees.

“Please come back…” I sobbed, “I miss you so much, please just-“ Why was this world so fucking unfair? He didn’t deserve this.

“Hiro we’re leaving soon. Are you ready?” Aunt Cass interrupted my thoughts. How was she so strong? How was she not crippled by her own feelings like me? I cleared my throat and told her I’d be down in a few minutes.

I sat next to her in the funeral home while the service was being held. Honey, Fred, Wasabi and Gogo each gave a small speech about Tadashi and what an amazing friend he was. I would have spoken too if I wasn’t on the verge of tears, and I didn’t want to cry in front of all these people.

The dry air of the room and the heat coming off of everyone was killing me. I stopped breathing at what at my thoughts again; why do I keep thinking of these things? It’s like my brain is trying- no it’s like it wants me to cry, to show what I’m feeling inside, but I can’t and I won’t. Not here, not now. I’ve got to be strong, or at least try.

The drive to my brother’s final resting place was quiet. Cass hadn’t said a word to me since we came out of the Funeral Home, almost like she was mad at me. Did I do something wrong? Oh, wait I did. I let go of him and let him run inside that damn building, so yeah she should be mad with me. Hell everyone should be.

Small droplets of rain started to fall out of the dark clouded sky as if it was mourning the loss of him too. We hit a bump in the road as my turned into the cemetery and parked behind the Hurst, giving them enough room to get the coffin out. She turned off the engine and we sat there for a moment. I looked at her silently out of the corner of my eye, her face scrunched up and she leaned forward to rest her forehead against the steering wheel, swallowing loudly.

“I miss him so much,” She cried quietly. I looked away from her down at my hands that were folded on my lap and tried (and failed) not to cry.

After what seemed like hours we got out of the car and she gave me a tight hug before we walked up the hill to his grave marker. We were surrounding the empty casket as the priest finished his preaching. Most of it was just crap that he probably said at every funeral. It started to rain harder and thankfully most of us had umbrellas with us. Everyone said what they felt they needed to say then left for their cars when he was finally done talking.

I was the last one to approach the empty box. There wasn’t even a body to prove that he was dead and yet we’re having a funeral for him. I knew it was irrational to think that, because there is no way he could have survived the fire, let alone the explosion. But I still held on to the small hope that he would come walking into the café saying, “Sorry for taking so long, nerd.” But that’s won’t be happening. He’s dead and there’s nothing I can do to change that. I turned to Aunt Cass and asked her to go back to the car so I could have some alone time with “him”.

“Okay,” She smiled sadly and left us alone.

I placed my hand on an empty spot between the colorful flowers. “Hey,” I whispered, “I miss you, you big nerd.” I swallowed, trying to keep myself together. “I-If you can hear me, I really need you back here. I…” I lost it then, tears falling endlessly from my red swollen eyes from crying the days before. “I miss you so much. How could you have left me there? I begged you not to go,” I could feel anger start to bubble in my chest, “But you fucking left me there-!” I slammed my fist down onto the hard dark wood, making some of the flowers move, some falling off the side onto the ground. “Aunt Cass and I need you; what about all of your friends?” I fell to my knees sobbing angry tears that fell and disappeared into the grass.

“I love you so much.”

A month had gone by since my brother died. A lot of people said it gets better as time goes on, but for me it only got worse. I couldn’t stand hearing or seeing anything that reminded me of him and I often snapped at Cass who would sometimes slip and say something along the lines of, “Tadashi would want you to go to school,” or “Your brother would want to get out of your room,” Brother this, brother that! I’m sick of it! I hate hearing about him all the time. All it does is constantly reminding me that he’s fucking gone.

I was sitting at my desk with megabit in my hand when I received a message from Tadashi’s friends saying they missed ne, Fred saying he wished he could give me a big hug. I closed it out of annoyance and got up from my chair. The bottom half of my robot disconnected from it’s magnetic servo and landed on my foot painfully “OW!” I fell onto my bed, clutching my foot. “Ow,” I repeated. Why was this world so cruel to me? Why can’t it just leave me alone and not try to fuck with me every five minutes.

I heard a familiar sound from my brother’s side of the room, the sound if something inflating soon after. I looked over to see the white nurse robot that Tadashi had designed stepping out of his red charging port. I watching him move around the objects in his way and squeezed through his bed and desk, knocking some of the books off that were on top of it. He waddled his way over and greeted me.

“Hello. I am Baymax, your personal healthcare companion. I was activated when I heard a sound of distress, what seems to be the problem?”

“Oh, it’s nothing, I’m fine. I just stubbed my toe a little,” I paused, “I didn’t know you were still active.” He blinked before responding.

“On a scale of one to ten how would you rate your pain?” Colorful faces showing different emotions showed up on his stomach.

“Zero.”

“Does it hurt when I touch it?” he reached down to try and touch my foot. I backed away further onto my bed and pushed his hand away before he could touch me.

“No, really I’m fine.”

“I will scan you now.” I got up from my bed.

“Don’t scan me-“

“Scan complete,” He cut me off. “You’ve suffered no serious injuries; however your hormone levels are out of balance,” He informed.

“Yeah, okay. You can shrink now.” I turned to go back to sitting in my computer chair and he walked over to me.

“Your emotional state is unstable and you have lost three kilos since I last scanned you seven weeks ago.”

“Go away Baymax.

“May I suggest-“ I slammed my fist down on my desk, making some of my figures and papers fall onto the floor. I charged towards him and shoved him towards the other side of the room with the intention of making him deflate. “Hiro, your hormones-

“Enough Baymax!” I screamed. “I know my emotional state is unstable! I know my hormones are out of control! Just please go.” I stopped pushing him after we made it to the room divider. He was looking down at me and blinked again, this time slower.

“I cannot deactivate until you say you are satisfied with your care.”

“Then I’m satisfied with my care,” I growled. He moved away from me, turned around and went back into his charging port and shank back down into himself.

Three months went by and things were actually starting to get a little bit better. Cass seemed happier that I wasn’t in my room most of the time, even though I was still in there for most of the day. I actually started eating a little bit more and at the moment we were actually sitting down eating dinner when the phone had started ringing. We decided to ignore it and kept eating until the machine picked it up and a man’s voice started to speak.

“Hello, this is one of the investigators investigating the fire that happened about four months ago. Sorry we haven’t called you earlier, but we have new information about the fire that killed Tadashi Hamada. We’ve found out the source and what started the fire.” We had stopped eating by that point. “It was an electrical fire that originated from above the stage area, which also explains why it spread so quickly. We are very sorry for your loss and hope you have a nice day.” After that he hung up.

An electrical fire that started by the stage…? That’s what took my brother away from me? “Hiro.” Wait… I was the last one to preform before the fire. “Hiro. I was hanging by the light fixture by MY mircobots. “Hiro!” Her voice finally made it through my head. She was looking at me with a sorrowful eyes. Was she thinking the same thing as me? Does she blame me for starting the fire? “Hiro, it’s okay.” She got up from her chair and walked over to me and tried to give me a hug. “Now we know what happened and we can finally have closure.”

“I started the fire.” She looked at me with a confused expression before the realization hit her visibly across her face.  “I killed him.”

“Sweetie you didn’t know.” I pushed her away from me, pushing my chair back, it scraping against the floor as I got up.

“I killed Tadashi!” I screamed. “Don’t you hate me?! I took him away from everyone!”

“Hiro you didn’t know this would happen.” Yes, that was true, but it was still my fucking fault. How could anyone possibly forgive me?

“I’m going for a walk.” I stared making my way towards the stairs that lead down to the café.

“Hiro, it’s dark and I don’t think that’s a very good idea. Stay here please,” She begged. I didn’t stop walking. She walked up from behind me and grabbed my arm. “You aren’t leaving this house young man!” She yelled angrily. I whipped my head around and sneered at her.

“I need to clear my head.” I tried yanking my arm out of her grip, “Let go!”

“I’m not letting go!”

“Then I’m going t my room,” I ripped my arm from her grip, “And don’t you dare follow me,” I said coldly. I hurt her with my words, I knew it would, yet I still said them. I stormed up the stairs without saying another word to her and she didn’t try stopping me this time. I slammed the door of bathroom shut and stripped the clothes off of my body. I turned on the shower and stepped into the spray of water. I sharply inhaled from the freezing cold water that poured over my head, shoulders and cascaded down my back.

I slid down the shower wall till I was sitting on the shower floor and wrapped my arms around my knees, slowly rocking back and forth. How could I have been so stupid?

_You killed him._

I didn’t mean to do it.

_You’re disgusting._

I tried to save him.

_No. you let him **die.**_

I pulled at my hair in the hopes that it would make the voice in my head go away. “No I didn’t,” I cried. “I couldn’t do anything… I’m so sorry Tadashi,” I cried harder, “Please forgive me.”

_He’s dead what’s the point? You should kill yourself so no one has to deal with you anymore._

No. No, I could never do that. I don’t want to cause any more pain for them.

_Do you think they’ll care about you once they find out what **you** did? Kill yourself. It’s so easy, and you want to see him again right? Just do it and you can._

My conscious did have a point. If I killed myself I wouldn’t have to worry about what other people would think of me. If I killed myself I wouldn’t have to worry about anything and I would be able to be with him. I had finally made up my mind with what I was going to do with my life.

I’m going to end it.

I kept the shower running as I got out and looked myself in the mirror. The body of a killer I thought as I got out pills from the drawer under the sink and admired them briefly. I took an entire bottle of ibuprofen and sleeping medication that was Tadashi’s, which totaled up to more than seventy pills? I couldn’t remember the exact amount. I got back into the shower and sat in the same position I was in before.

What would Tadashi think of you? I remembered thinking. He would think of you poorly was the answer. He never understood why people killed themselves, I mean he knew they did it because they felt like they were trapped or that they were miserable with their lives, but he never understood the hopeless feeling every day that was glued to your body.

I couldn’t feel anything anymore, physical or mentally. The urge to vomit started to creep in the back f my throat as my vision started to blur. I just wanted to fall asleep forever. There was a soft knock at door that almost didn’t register in my head.

“Hiro, honey are you okay?”

“I-I’m fine,” I struggled to answer. My head tilted in a way that water got up my nose, making me cough. I tried to move out of the spray of the water, but I was no longer in control of my muscles and I fell backwards, hitting my head against the hard tile. “Ow,” I slurred.

“Hiro?” With the combination of her panicked voice and the hitting of my head, I barely got knocked out of the daze I was in and realized what I was doing. “Hiro!?” What am I doing? “I’m coming in!” She cried as the door was unlocked and she busted into the bathroom. She screamed when she saw the empty pill bottles on the counter and yanked the shower curtain open within seconds.

“Oh my fucking God, Hiro what have you done?!” she cried as she turned off the water then pulled me into a tight hug. The last of her sentence was blurred in my ears.

“Hiro, I’m going to call a ambulance,” She yelled. Her tears that normally would have been lukewarm were hot against the chilled skin of my forehead. She tried to leave me to get the phone but I stopped her by grapping her arm with all the strength I had left. I looked directly into her tear filled eyes, my own eyes filled tears again.

“I… Aunt Cass… I don’t want to die,” I struggled to say. She cradled me in her arms and pressed a kiss to my hair, then forehead multiple times.

“You’re not going to die, just let me get the phone.” I didn’t let go of her. There was no way in hell they would get here in time.

“I don’t want to die alone,” I cried. I could feel myself starting to slip and I hugged her with everything I had left.

Hiro let go of me ple-“ My eyes started to go in and out of focus and rolled into the back of my head. And just before everything went black I could have sworn I heard her say that she loved me.


End file.
